04-03-2013, 02:31 AM
First off, well done, this is a strong poem that tackles it's themes very well.
"We're friends, right?" Your hands find their place on my waist, Perhaps use a stronger phrase than find their place? It sounds like they are fit to be there, like they're linked in matrimony (bad choice of words myself)
hiding in my t-shirt the way puppies hide in the ballooning sheets of a made bed. I'm not sure if it would be more effective without this line, the imagery is a bit misleading to me
"Best friends?" Your mouth lays on my skin like wrapping paper
litters the floor of a christmas morning. Love this, it really gets across her feelings on what he's doing
The overture for Spartacus bellows in the next room
to empty seats and full cups of coffee that have since gone cold.
We were fools for thinking we could actually watch a three hour movie
before ending up on the floor, black jeans balled up in the corner,
bruises on bruises and tattoos on tattoos. Maybe 'I was a fool' instead? 'We' sounds very...together, distorting the meaning in it all
You press a warm dry palm against the compass rose on my back
and trace every direction from my ribs to my tailbone. My favourite part
"This one's my favorite", you whisper into the well of my collar
as the wasps fly away and die against the window.
Your medical tag falls out of your shirt and lays a cold kiss on my neck.
I faintly hear Spartacus through the walls, being sold into slavery. The last line really rounds it back up, and explains the mystery of Spartacus, a real strong image
"We're friends, right?" Your hands find their place on my waist, Perhaps use a stronger phrase than find their place? It sounds like they are fit to be there, like they're linked in matrimony (bad choice of words myself)
hiding in my t-shirt the way puppies hide in the ballooning sheets of a made bed. I'm not sure if it would be more effective without this line, the imagery is a bit misleading to me
"Best friends?" Your mouth lays on my skin like wrapping paper
litters the floor of a christmas morning. Love this, it really gets across her feelings on what he's doing
The overture for Spartacus bellows in the next room
to empty seats and full cups of coffee that have since gone cold.
We were fools for thinking we could actually watch a three hour movie
before ending up on the floor, black jeans balled up in the corner,
bruises on bruises and tattoos on tattoos. Maybe 'I was a fool' instead? 'We' sounds very...together, distorting the meaning in it all
You press a warm dry palm against the compass rose on my back
and trace every direction from my ribs to my tailbone. My favourite part
"This one's my favorite", you whisper into the well of my collar
as the wasps fly away and die against the window.
Your medical tag falls out of your shirt and lays a cold kiss on my neck.
I faintly hear Spartacus through the walls, being sold into slavery. The last line really rounds it back up, and explains the mystery of Spartacus, a real strong image
- Amy
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)