04-03-2013, 01:38 AM
hi Amy
first of all, well done, this is powerful and lovely. most of it is magical and shouldn't change. I do have a couple points though:
"Now heavy clouds hung in the sky. " --> The "now" is still in the past and makes things a bit muddled, maybe you can think of a different way to introduce that stanza.
"This could not have been the fault
of ghosts
or things that lurk in dark corners.
Had I done this? "
I missed this on my first read, yet "Had I done this?" is such an important line. maybe you can display it a little more by putting empty lines above and below... also, the child in the poem, would she really think it's not the fault of ghosts? why not? when I was little that might've been exactly what I thought. maybe you can clarify why she doesn't think so (in young child reasoning of course).
anyway beautiful portrait, I'm really in awe. thanks for sharing.
first of all, well done, this is powerful and lovely. most of it is magical and shouldn't change. I do have a couple points though:
"Now heavy clouds hung in the sky. " --> The "now" is still in the past and makes things a bit muddled, maybe you can think of a different way to introduce that stanza.
"This could not have been the fault
of ghosts
or things that lurk in dark corners.
Had I done this? "
I missed this on my first read, yet "Had I done this?" is such an important line. maybe you can display it a little more by putting empty lines above and below... also, the child in the poem, would she really think it's not the fault of ghosts? why not? when I was little that might've been exactly what I thought. maybe you can clarify why she doesn't think so (in young child reasoning of course).
anyway beautiful portrait, I'm really in awe. thanks for sharing.
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The howling beast is back.
The howling beast is back.