04-03-2013, 01:14 AM
First of all, I LOVE the title, it really grabs you. I myself struggle with the title more than I do with most of the actual poem, so I fangirl hard for people are a gifted in finding captivating names for their poems.
"My older brothers had told me they
wait for you outside those trees."
I don't know why, but something about "had told me they wait for you" doesn't sound right to me. It might just be me being really nit-picky , but maybe "My older brothers told me they wait wait for you" or "My older brothers have said they wait for you". It's a very important, eerie line in the stanza, so don't scratch it, just maybe play around with the wording to make it a little smoother.
"It's wings were raised -
awkwardly assaulted into unnatural positions.
Like a signal, calling out a final song from a broken neck.
It did not move."
Your description of the dead bird is really powerful, and yet you never have to come out and say "dead bird" for me to know exactly what you are describing.
"Later, my brothers would laugh
call it 'a real dead'un!'
and display it to their friends."
The return of your brothers to the poem makes it a nice full-circle, so to say. I really love this poem, it brings up a lot of my own vivid memories of encountering death as a child, and I think you capture that moment perfectly. Really well done.
"My older brothers had told me they
wait for you outside those trees."
I don't know why, but something about "had told me they wait for you" doesn't sound right to me. It might just be me being really nit-picky , but maybe "My older brothers told me they wait wait for you" or "My older brothers have said they wait for you". It's a very important, eerie line in the stanza, so don't scratch it, just maybe play around with the wording to make it a little smoother.
"It's wings were raised -
awkwardly assaulted into unnatural positions.
Like a signal, calling out a final song from a broken neck.
It did not move."
Your description of the dead bird is really powerful, and yet you never have to come out and say "dead bird" for me to know exactly what you are describing.
"Later, my brothers would laugh
call it 'a real dead'un!'
and display it to their friends."
The return of your brothers to the poem makes it a nice full-circle, so to say. I really love this poem, it brings up a lot of my own vivid memories of encountering death as a child, and I think you capture that moment perfectly. Really well done.