pint-sized prisoner

[milo]

milo-- I know you hate my abstractions, sorry! can't please everyone I guess. I'm more of the opinion that concrete images anchor the poem, not that they have to completely make it up.

trueenigma-- thanks for the comment. would you mind pointing out exactly where it felt wordy? I'm too involved and am having a hard time seeing where I can/should cut. thanks much.

To clarify, much of this really does work for me:

The austerity of his room
gives credence to his thoughts
of death by lemon odor; clean. I like the lemon odor

Stuck by giant, clamping hands giant or clamping might be enough. Many of your lines, including this one are perfect IT.
in a horizontal prison horizontal might be too dehumanizing.
of white—rough, tough and mean.

His panic belly button pressed, panic belly button is fine
tiny sticking tears reflect this is fine as well
muted cartoon bustle. as is this

Sharp astringent pinches nose should be his nose, you haven't been skipping articles so you can't get away with this now.
as jellied food turns stomach and again
into rolls of unused muscle.

Repeating beeps and swishing scrubs
take over sounds of life; scrubs/shoves is nice assonance and well-placed
he shoves white cotton in his ears.

Drip-induced unconsciousness
slows and slurs, shuts down
sideways looks of fear.

overall there is a lot that is good here, the details and imagery are nice.

As for a triolet? Why not a fantasy?

Stuck by giant clamping hands
of ogres - white, rough, tough and mean.
A prisoner trapped in foreign lands;
stuck. By giant clamping hands,
Billy grips his sword and stands;
cleaves the monsters limbs and falls between:
stuck, by giant clamping hands
of ogres - white, rough, tough and mean.

milo