Cocoon

[Volaticus]

Will you continue down this path or can you not deal?

maybe

What do you mean?

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would
a season of autumn
work better?
i agree line 4 doesn't work well. i'm not sure the poem is coherent enough in the line above either.
are the comma's really needed in the 1st line?

Cocoon

Together in loneliness, we shall pass the time.
An autumn of season, and state of mind.
Transfigure and tell me: How does it feel?
Is it all full of stitches, or blistering heal?


(I'm aware that L4 doesn't really work.)

Just to make sure I understand.. "an autumn of season" is grammatically incorrect? I'll work on that, then. And remove the comma
L4 needs to be totally rewritten and I'll try to make it more coherent with L3 as well. Thanks for commenting, it helps me a lot

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I've revised the poem, and posted it. But I'm not sure if it is still as incoherent as the original?