04-02-2013, 02:37 AM
This is my first feedback/critique, so hopefully I'll get the balance right!
I like the overall feeling/sentiment that's shot through the piece. The use of rhyming couplets works well to create a light atmosphere but leaves room for it to be thoughtful and/or undercut as necessary. Fragments brought to mind echo-associations with bits of Donne .
I think it would definitely repay some editing. The metre goes a bit wobbly (which is where it's easier commenting on someone else's work - I'm crap at keeping a regular metre, so tend to avoid it!) . Also, I felt some of the word choices are straining a little; shooting for self-consciously 'poetic', rather than natural. A couple of examples:
- "smittened" - why not just "smitten"?
- "heart desists to beat" - desists works for rhythm, but feels a little odd semantically. Perhaps "refrains" (still a bit odd), or even a re-work of the line from until to while - "while my heart [still deigns | remains] to beat" ?
I can't put my finger on it, maybe it's the latent goth in me, but I really like:
Eek, I've gone on a bit.
tl;dr I like the direction of travel; partial cut stone that would repay polishing to a shine, for me - for what it's worth.
I like the overall feeling/sentiment that's shot through the piece. The use of rhyming couplets works well to create a light atmosphere but leaves room for it to be thoughtful and/or undercut as necessary. Fragments brought to mind echo-associations with bits of Donne .
I think it would definitely repay some editing. The metre goes a bit wobbly (which is where it's easier commenting on someone else's work - I'm crap at keeping a regular metre, so tend to avoid it!) . Also, I felt some of the word choices are straining a little; shooting for self-consciously 'poetic', rather than natural. A couple of examples:
- "smittened" - why not just "smitten"?
- "heart desists to beat" - desists works for rhythm, but feels a little odd semantically. Perhaps "refrains" (still a bit odd), or even a re-work of the line from until to while - "while my heart [still deigns | remains] to beat" ?
I can't put my finger on it, maybe it's the latent goth in me, but I really like:
Quote:god gave me a perfect chance
to be in that angel's glance
but every angel craves to fly
so that love was made to die;
Eek, I've gone on a bit.
tl;dr I like the direction of travel; partial cut stone that would repay polishing to a shine, for me - for what it's worth.