First Poem

[billy]

hi lewis, it's good feedback for the novice forum

hi ZangetsuJSU
the syntax feels awkward. even in such a short poem you have excess words, where else would one feel pain? often the word because isn't needed; the last line need needs swapping round as well in order to help the flow, and do becomes unnecessary, forcing losing to become lose.

I rush to hide
The pain I feel
I can not
lose you

while the poem gets the sentiment across. it needs more in order to make it less generic.

thanks for the read.