04-01-2013, 04:21 PM
The first stanza of this poem is fantastic, it really flows and carries you into the second stanza. My only criticisms are your use of the word bullshit (I'm not against swearing in poetry, I just think in this case it comes off a little tacky), and it would probably sound better as "just to notify them..."
Your second stanza is good, though not as good as the former. I really like the first line but the second is a little awkward. The full stop and 'ha!' compromise the beginning of the third line. I like your take on sober reasoning and so on but I think you could loose the brackets or shorten it a little.
The rest of the poem is as good as its beginning, a nice sort of fade out with reference to a 'you' which I like, and a bittersweet feeling of just another night and here I am again. I do think it would sound nicer as 'things you say you'll never do' and 'while much concerned,' but feel free to reject that. Great poem!
Your second stanza is good, though not as good as the former. I really like the first line but the second is a little awkward. The full stop and 'ha!' compromise the beginning of the third line. I like your take on sober reasoning and so on but I think you could loose the brackets or shorten it a little.
The rest of the poem is as good as its beginning, a nice sort of fade out with reference to a 'you' which I like, and a bittersweet feeling of just another night and here I am again. I do think it would sound nicer as 'things you say you'll never do' and 'while much concerned,' but feel free to reject that. Great poem!