Poem Request

[NakedBear]

This is my first Sonnet:

Write me a song or poem to vent my heart too many syllables, and meter's off
Tell all of beauty fair; most fair not she second clause doesn't make much sense. Is she NOT fair?
My mind can't say when did the yearning start
My breath and heart stop in proximity

My mind plays tricks to see her everywhere
The wings of hope when slightest cue detects the 'wings of hope' do what when cues are detected?
A curve; a walk; a laugh; a twist of hair
Pursuit of contact deftly she deflects

A touch or hug is merely friendship's due
To gaze into her eyes my fondest dream
I seek to end what love cannot pursue The turn comes pretty late in this, and I don't think it's developed as much as it should be.
To stem the flow of unrequited stream How can a stream be unrequited? I think you're seeking the rhyme too much.

I hope your songs and poems bring some relief too many syllables, and meter is off. Drop 'some'.
Not push me even lower in my grief

- Art

Aside from those two lines, your meter seems pretty good to me (but I'll defer to an expert should one appear).

Mikey.