03-31-2013, 08:19 AM
Hello, thank you for sharing
[quote='justcloudy' pid='120894' dateline='1364514911']
revision
The austerity of his room
gives credence to his thoughts
of death by lemon odor; clean.
I have a hard time making it past this first stanza. austerity, credence, thoughts, death, all in 3 short lines. The strength is "lemon odor", I want more of that. Show me an austere room, show me credence, show me death
I would say trim the abstraction or at least move it further into the poem.
I like the idea and more crisp details like "lemon odor" throughout could make it a winner.
cheers.
milo
[quote='justcloudy' pid='120894' dateline='1364514911']
revision
The austerity of his room
gives credence to his thoughts
of death by lemon odor; clean.
I have a hard time making it past this first stanza. austerity, credence, thoughts, death, all in 3 short lines. The strength is "lemon odor", I want more of that. Show me an austere room, show me credence, show me death
I would say trim the abstraction or at least move it further into the poem.
I like the idea and more crisp details like "lemon odor" throughout could make it a winner.
cheers.
milo