03-31-2013, 07:00 AM
I really like that it's so clear what it's about right from the first two lines. I feel that some of the lines, for example: 'the grace those eyes have made me feel
that made my life become surreal'
Those lines seem to quite naturally rhyme and sound lovely, but the 'privilege of few...color blue' reads to me a bit like the second line is there because it rhymes with the first. Switching the second lines rhyme to something within the lexical field of the first line might blend better.
Otherwise, I really enjoyed reading a refreshingly clear poem.
that made my life become surreal'
Those lines seem to quite naturally rhyme and sound lovely, but the 'privilege of few...color blue' reads to me a bit like the second line is there because it rhymes with the first. Switching the second lines rhyme to something within the lexical field of the first line might blend better.
Otherwise, I really enjoyed reading a refreshingly clear poem.
- Amy
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)