"Are You Dreaming?"

[milo]

This is actually quite a bit better. You mostly avoid cliche and you have some attention to music here.

(This is an older piece. I do think it has potential, and there are parts I really like myself. But I also think that it needs, probably a great deal of work, so feedback could really be a great and appreciated help )

"Are You Dreaming?" The title is bad. Let the reader work some stuff out for themselves.

Where the old pendulum swing it would be 'swings' btw. If you want exact rhyme just 'Where pendulums swing"
And the windblown church bells ring you are focusing on imagery here, concrete nouns and verbs, this is good.

In all eternity; the coloured memories cling. while here, you are all abstract. I would just trim to "memories cling". Best not to modify your abstractions as a rule.

In the cottage from the woods 'from' or 'in'?
By the lakes or the creeks 'or'?
No sound weeps - all sleeps. Once again, I would trim to 'all sleeps'

No tearing, nor scratching switch from nor to or
No wearing, nor latching again
All things hatching. instead of 'things' specifics. Cocoons, birds, snakes, tadpoles, whatever

In the place, where dark is darker once again, modifying abstractions, only do it if there is a gun to your head.
And the bright, - is so much brighter ""
Sounds; clean and clear
I must be here!

Fear and hate; Vanished
Greyscale; Completely and utterly banished. I don't like this whole section as much because you have abandoned all detail

And so; Where the old pendulum swing well, you repeat the grammar error here.
The windblown church bells ring
And all the memories cling
That's truly, - where all the blue birds sing. 'truly' is superfluous"

so . . . .

Where the pendulums swing
And the windblown church bells ring
the memories cling.

A cottage in the woods
By the lakes or the creeks
- all sleeps.

No tearing, nor scratching
No wearing, nor latching
All things hatching.

In the place, where dark
And bright, -
Sounds clear
be here!

Vanished
Greyscale; Completely banished.

And so; Where the pendulums swing
The windblown church bells ring
And the memories cling
- where the blue birds sing.

then, flesh it in with crisp details.
Try to use combination that yu have never read or heard before.

Good start. I enjoyed much of it.
Have fun revising.

milo

By the lakes where the pendulums swing
and the bluebirds won't hatch, where we scratch
out the sounds of the church's dull ring.
By the lakes where the pendulums swing -
there's a cottage of buttons and string
and a gallows to gather and watch
by the lakes. Where the pendulums swing
and the bluebirds won't hatch, where we scratch.