03-29-2013, 09:29 PM
(03-29-2013, 08:55 AM)justcloudy Wrote: revision
The austerity of his room
gives credence to his thoughts
of death by lemon odor; clean. <<<
Stuck by giant, clamping hands
in a horizontal prison
of white—rough, tough and mean. <<< oh yes!
His panic belly button pressed,
tiny sticking tears reflect
muted cartoon bustle. << you did it again (surprising me)
Sharp astringent pinches nose
as jellied food turns stomach nto rolls of unused muscle. <<< have problems with this stanza because I do not get it.
Repeating beeps and swishing scrubs
take over sounds of life;
he shoves white cotton in his ears. <<< grinning here
Drip-induced unconsciousness
slows and slurs, shuts down
sideways looks of fear. <<< risky phrasing but I buy this stanza.
A pair of well-known hands
caress a crown of skin,
touch opens glassy eyes. <<< yes. love the surreality of this stanza
A hastened visit to her baby
before the workday calls;
a life of smiles and lies. <<< depressing but fine stanza
cheers and thank you for sharing your poem.
Me (almost still sober)
serge
original
The austerity of his room
gives credence to his thoughts
of death by lemon odor; clean.
Stuck by giant, clamping hands
into a horizontal prison
of not-so-soft white,
his panic belly button pressed,
tiny sticking tears reflect
the soundless cartoons above.
Sharp astringent pinches nose
as jellied food turns stomach
into rolls of unused muscle.
Beeps and tennis shoe squeaks
replace sounds of familiar life;
he sticks sheet corners into ears.
Drip-induced unconsciousness
slows and slurs, shuts down
sideways looks of fear.
Well-known hands
caress a crown of skin
weighted eyes tremble open.
A hastened visit to her baby
before life and work
and responsibility calls.
Oh and I like the title. ;-)