pint-sized prisoner

[NakedBear]

I like the content and the progression. My comments below are mostly suggestions based on what I think would sound best for rhythm. Do with them as you please.

Mikey.

The austerity of his room
gives credence to his thoughts
of death by lemon odor; clean. Good line!

Stuck by giant, clamping hands
into a horizontal prison drop either 'to' or 'in' for rhythm. I don't think you need both for meaning
of not-so-soft white, not-so-soft doesn't move well. Maybe 'prickly' or something

his panic belly button pressed,
tiny sticking tears reflect
the soundless cartoons above. the rhythm of this line doesn't quite work to my ear. Maybe 'mute' rather than 'soundless'. Mute has a more active sense, to me, in it supposes that something has done the muting.

Sharp astringent pinches nose
as jellied food turns stomach
into rolls of unused muscle.

Beeps and tennis shoe squeaks tennis shoe belongs to nurse or orderly, yes. But 'tennis shoe' conflicts with theme in a way that bothers me. Also, with the 'and' I'm left thinking that beeps also squeak.
replace sounds of familiar life; put 'the' between replace and sounds. Or maybe 'replace familiar sounds of life', but that shifts the meaning a bit.
he sticks sheet corners into ears.

Drip-induced unconsciousness
slows and slurs, shuts down
sideways looks of fear. does anyone else have trouble with sequences of 's' ending words? I find them hard for me to say, but I do speak funny.



Well-known hands
caress a crown of skin
weighted eyes tremble open.

A hastened visit to her baby
before life and work Maybe put 'her' after 'before' for rhythm. Personally, I like 'precedes' rather than 'before'.
and responsibility calls. maybe drop 'and'