Impossible

[billy]

in places i knew what the rhyme was going to be before i read it, that shouldn't really happen, rhyme, when ever possible should blend in to the poem. what is the difference between
And never-ever shall we part.
and
we shall never part?

in general go the shortest route, that said, the line has been used thousands of times already. can it be said differently?

Presently you tell the reader everything, telling can work but the narrative has to be very good. instead try and show the reader what you mean,
abduct me like heroin

I feel your skin..
So warm within.. starts off what is more or less a continuous cliche, create the image in your own words, if it sounds like you've heard the phrase before, disregard it and think of something else.

thanks for the read.

Take me away,
Take me away, into the dream within a dream,
Into the sleeping sin, we can begin,
I feel your skin..
So warm within..

A thought for you,
A thought of all that matters,
All that shatters,
All that never really made a sound,
I see us drown..

An endless ocean of devotion,
Gentle notion, to come close in,
To my heart;
Needs to restart,
And never-ever shall we part.