03-28-2013, 06:45 PM
Hello Everyone....
Keeping in mind the suggestions and avoiding the cliches (as much as I could) I have come up with this edit. I have also changed the title as it was a cliche as well
Please let me know if it is a bit better now.
The Lovely Lies
Lies are what you give, lies are what I seek.
Yet there is a thirst unquenched,
a word or two drift
for a stretched while to reek.
Heavy, as nimbus, there is a silence
occasionally broken by the seeking eyes.
We know we're lost like twigs in a storm
abandoned is the way we were walking along.
I paint the walls green in my mind, pretend
it’s spring and see my garden in bloom.
You know the green from gray and yet will not say,
you’ll let me be there, blissfully unaware
of the spring that’s gone and withered.
But you little know your eyes betray,
the wordless truth, that you dare not say.
It makes me cringe with dread, I flee
to my lush-green spot where you sit by me.
Keeping in mind the suggestions and avoiding the cliches (as much as I could) I have come up with this edit. I have also changed the title as it was a cliche as well
Please let me know if it is a bit better now.
The Lovely Lies
Lies are what you give, lies are what I seek.
Yet there is a thirst unquenched,
a word or two drift
for a stretched while to reek.
Heavy, as nimbus, there is a silence
occasionally broken by the seeking eyes.
We know we're lost like twigs in a storm
abandoned is the way we were walking along.
I paint the walls green in my mind, pretend
it’s spring and see my garden in bloom.
You know the green from gray and yet will not say,
you’ll let me be there, blissfully unaware
of the spring that’s gone and withered.
But you little know your eyes betray,
the wordless truth, that you dare not say.
It makes me cringe with dread, I flee
to my lush-green spot where you sit by me.
~Neena