Split me open

[saeity]

EDITED:

Split me open, look inside
Secret thoughts I try to hide
Cut me wide, expose the core
Deep inside where there is more

Dark crevasses filled with hate
Putrid urges lie in wait.
Evil growing here inside
Inspiration long denied.

Split me open, if you dare
Smell the stench of my despair.
I’ve grown accustomed to the rot
It invades my every thought.

Take it from me, tear it out
Free me of the fear and doubt.
A terminal malignancy
Has stolen happiness from me.


ORIGINAL:
Split me open
Look inside
All these thoughts I try to hide.
Split me open
Expose the core
See inside where there is more.
Look into the heart of me
You will not like all that you see.
Dark crevasses filled with hate
Putrid urges lay in wait.
There are secrets here inside
Urges I have long denied.
Split me open if you dare
Smell a stench I cannot bear.
Take it from me, tear it out
Free me of the fear and doubt.
I’ve grown accustomed to the rot
It grows inside my every thought.
A strangling malignancy has stolen happiness from me.

Hi Tommy, personally I find it quite difficult to treat any poem that's rhymed, unless it is in form , seriously. Poems of AABB nature in particular, as there always is so much emphasis on sound, I find it detracts from the content, having said that I rather like your piece and to give you another possible idea:

Split me open, look inside
Cut me wide, expose the core
Secret thoughts I try to hide
Deep inside where there is more

Dark crevasses filled with hate
Evil growing here inside
Putrid urges lie in wait.
Inspiration long denied.

Split me open, if you dare
I’ve grown accustomed to the rot
Smell the stench of my despair.
It invades my every thought.

Take it from me, tear it out
A terminal malignancy
Free me of the fear and doubt.
It has stolen happiness from me.

regards saeity.