03-27-2013, 07:29 AM
The story reads mechanically, which might be part of the message, but any sense of tone is absent. The rhymes seem almost accidental. And lines like "Not thought thoroughly through" and "He and she become we, laying in clouds" feel like lazy techniques that only work as thoughtless ornaments.
The message is there. But what should be attractive at the beginning doesn't feel that way, as everything is forced and awkwardly clinical.
The message is there. But what should be attractive at the beginning doesn't feel that way, as everything is forced and awkwardly clinical.