I'd Rather Dream

[tectak]

I'd prefer brutally honest comments I can take it I swear and maybe title opinions. I suck at titling :/.

I'd Rather Dream
Looking up at the stars
Getting lost in a daze
Lost in a my thoughts
Lost in a state
A state of mind where my problems fade
Then reality comes near
Gives me a good slap
That's when I realize
My problems are back

Hello fragile ( how I hope not ),
Can I first of all ask you what you want to get out of serious crit? I have written out below exactly what you posted. Is this poetry? What do you think? Do you attempt rhyme? No. Have you got a sense of rhythm? No. What about flow, structure or even punctuation.No. Now you do not need crit to tell you what you haven't got...you can see for yourself. OK. That's the way it is...so now what?
Well, what about word use,? Can this piece be classed as accomplished in its fluency or originalty? Well, frankly, no. You open with a cliche. Worse, it is a modified option. By saying "I'd rather" you imply that you would rather this than that...but there is no that. You then list cliches.

lost in a daze
reality comes
give me a slap
problems are back

So what do you want from serious crit?
I cannot suggest what else you can do to make this crittable.
A rewrite would only get you :

I'd rather dream
but that would seem
to lead me back
along the track
where soon I'd be
in reality.

But I wrote that so you will have to put some effort in yourself. Take a look below. What can you do with it? When you know, do it then repost.

Looking up at the stars Getting lost in a daze Lost in a my thoughts Lost in a state
A state of mind where my problems fade Then reality comes near Gives me a good slap That's when I realize My problems are back

Best,
tectak
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