03-26-2013, 04:57 PM
No need for the disclaimer, NovaKaine...I assure you, no sycophants here, yet their truths are gentle enough.
Keeping in mind that this is not intended as a rewrite, simply a way to describe my suggestions...what would you think of both trimming away the excess words that add nothing to the imagery or narrative AND working the condensed poem into a more regular rhythm?
The second stanza has no rhyme, as in your original, just in case there was specific intent for this, perhaps some sense of jarring interplay?
With her fingers twisting in her hair,
she pulls him closer with a stare,
warning him with touch to the heart,
she wants him close, never to part.
When these two souls embrace in lust,
mind over matter is his plea.
Looking to her side, she thinks of pride,
tries to stop the sin soon to begin.
When lust is spent and time departed,
they wallow in the filth they started.
She looks for pride she'll never find
in her heart, hurt by love declined.
Keeping in mind that this is not intended as a rewrite, simply a way to describe my suggestions...what would you think of both trimming away the excess words that add nothing to the imagery or narrative AND working the condensed poem into a more regular rhythm?
The second stanza has no rhyme, as in your original, just in case there was specific intent for this, perhaps some sense of jarring interplay?
With her fingers twisting in her hair,
she pulls him closer with a stare,
warning him with touch to the heart,
she wants him close, never to part.
When these two souls embrace in lust,
mind over matter is his plea.
Looking to her side, she thinks of pride,
tries to stop the sin soon to begin.
When lust is spent and time departed,
they wallow in the filth they started.
She looks for pride she'll never find
in her heart, hurt by love declined.