03-26-2013, 08:09 AM
silly me, i read the feedback and now i feel as though what needs to be done has been explained already.
still, i'll reinforce the things i think important. the clichés, try and avoid cliche at all cost, that way only one or two will slip through if any and you'll have an original poem. all poets should be forced into good grammar, against their will or otherwise. unless you know wahat a straight line is how can you bend it to a curve? an analogy would be baking. forget about the recipe, just pile all your ingredients into the oven and leave for and undetermined time. the outcome is the same for poetry. Knowing the recipe allows you to alter the recipe.
phrases like;
But you do not know
add little
You know you’re lost, I know I’m lost too,
we know we're lost, or
we're lost
cut away words and phrases that don't add. if you need to, add an image to make up meter, use a simile etc.
we're lost like.......(simile of choice, though try not to be cliche)
you have a lot of good phrases in the poem draw them out and let them stand alone if you can. i see you want to keep the first line so my suggestion would be along the lines of.
Lies are what you give, lies are what I seek.
a word or two linger
through the night to reek. while it's still pretty weak it's sturdier.
Heavy, as laden nimbus this is what you want to pull out, all these types of line. and there are quite a few of them. but you already now that now
thanks for the read,
still, i'll reinforce the things i think important. the clichés, try and avoid cliche at all cost, that way only one or two will slip through if any and you'll have an original poem. all poets should be forced into good grammar, against their will or otherwise. unless you know wahat a straight line is how can you bend it to a curve? an analogy would be baking. forget about the recipe, just pile all your ingredients into the oven and leave for and undetermined time. the outcome is the same for poetry. Knowing the recipe allows you to alter the recipe.
phrases like;
But you do not know
add little
You know you’re lost, I know I’m lost too,
we know we're lost, or
we're lost
cut away words and phrases that don't add. if you need to, add an image to make up meter, use a simile etc.
we're lost like.......(simile of choice, though try not to be cliche)
you have a lot of good phrases in the poem draw them out and let them stand alone if you can. i see you want to keep the first line so my suggestion would be along the lines of.
Lies are what you give, lies are what I seek.
a word or two linger
through the night to reek. while it's still pretty weak it's sturdier.
Heavy, as laden nimbus this is what you want to pull out, all these types of line. and there are quite a few of them. but you already now that now
thanks for the read,
(03-21-2013, 07:38 PM)neena2504 Wrote: Lies is what you give, lies is what I seek.
Still the heart yearns, a word or two linger
through the night and start to reek.
Heavy, as laden nimbus, the silence prevails
occasionally broken by the questioning eyes.
You know you’re lost, I know I’m lost too,
abandoned is the way we were walking along.
I paint the walls green in my mind, pretend
it’s spring and see my garden in fullest bloom.
You know the green from gray and yet will not say,
you’ll let me be there, blissfully unaware
of the spring that’s long gone and withered.
But you do not know I can see it in your eyes,
a shadow of the wordless truth,
as dark as the darkest of moonless nights.
It makes me cringe with dread and I flee
to my lush-green spot where you sit by me.