The beautiful lies

[neena2504]

Hi Neena. Thank you for writing and sharing. There is some good and bad here. The good is, you seem to have a natural sense for sound and rhythm. The bad is, you are depending too much on abstract and cliche. The incorrect grammar in L1 is just incorrect grammar, it is never actualized in the purpose of the poem so, please, no matter what anyone tells you, use "lies are". Beautiful lies is a cliche. "Lies" is an abstraction.
"heart yearns"
"words linger"
"through the night"
"silence prevails"
"shadow of truth"
"I can see it in your eyes"

these are all old tired cliches

Lies is what you give, lies is what I seek.
Still the heart yearns, a word or two linger
through the night and start to reek.
Heavy, as laden nimbus, the silence prevails
occasionally broken by the questioning eyes.
You know you’re lost, I know I’m lost too,
abandoned is the way we were walking along.
I paint the walls green in my mind, pretend
it’s spring and see my garden in fullest bloom.
You know the green from gray and yet will not say,
you’ll let me be there, blissfully unaware
of the spring that’s long gone and withered.
But you do not know I can see it in your eyes,
a shadow of the wordless truth,
as dark as the darkest of moonless nights.
It makes me cringe with dread and I flee
to my lush-green spot where you sit by me.

So here, I have just trimmed out the excess to try to get to the "root" of your poem. You can see, just with a little editing, the words are now stronger. Now we expose the strength, the truth in your writing.


Heavy, as nimbus, silence
occasionally broken by the questioning.
I’m lost ,
abandoned
I paint the walls green in my mind, pretend
it’s spring and see my garden in bloom.
You know the green from gray and yet will not say,
you’ll let me be there, unaware
of the spring that’s gone
as dark as the moon.
It makes me cringe
with dread I flee
to my lush-green spot where you sit by me.

"You know the green from gray yet will not stay" is the strongest line in your poem. It is perfect iambic pentameter, it is quite lovely. I would use these remaining words and phrases and build a poem around this one line.

Let me know if you would like me to help more, I know this is novice, I want you to feel comfortable, but I would be fine doing more as well.

milo

Hi milo,

I must let you know how thankful I am to you for giving your time to my poem and providing these utterly useful comments.
This is the first time I am receiving some real corrections and I have hope I'll be able to write some real poetry in the coming days.
I admit haven't read many poems and hence was not aware of the cliches(English isn't my native tongue), will try to read more poems and will try my best not to use them.

Yes, I see how strong it has become after editing but I would want to keep the first line (with the correction in grammar) because that's what came to my mind first and I cannot imagine this poem without it. I will come up with an edit soon.

I know a little about rhythm and meter, not much, and I think I can try writing pieces based on them. Is there a particular form you would suggest for me and a few examples?
And yes, I could sure use more help but I do not want to burden you, honestly, I do not want to take much of your time (I've really started feeling guilty now )

Cheers

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Someone that wants a poem published or get a good grade in school might be forced into using correct grammar against their will, but that's a choice and a risk. And while cliche is usually boring, abstractions aren't necessarily bad.

And you can choose, is a poem about a subject that's important, even in a narrow and personal way; or is a poem about its structure and about being poetry in an artistic sense. Are you making a poetic diary entry, or are you constructing a poem to be enjoyed by others as poetry? Most would probably prefer that you do the second thing, but even so, everything is up to you, and it's best to keep in mind that these things are your choice. And they're always your choice even when you're dead set on reaching a less narrow audience than yourself or a few other people.

Thank you rowens, for your support and guidance. Now that you said it, I realize I am more inclined towards the structure and artistic sense of poetry but I think I should expand my sphere and try to write something different as well. Today I write mostly for myself but one day would love my poems to be enjoyed by all.

Cheers