‘Eternal’, ‘love’, sneer!

[NakedBear]

This has had a good coat of looking at and I cannot contribute much more. It is a good effort. There some inconsistency of language, my dear. I don't know where this appendage comes from but it is much beloved of Indian (female) academics, who seem think that's how we all speak in blighty!
As for the quotes around your theme words... just not "necessary". You may feel you need them to bring out "forever mine", for the sake of the "forced rhyme" with the cliched "...all of time"...but you "don't".

Hey tectak. Took you long enough to comment. Down with the flu?

Haha. Seriously, thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts.

About 'my dear': now you know that girl Indian academics have much the same taste as white guys writing poetry in their underwear. Good for them!

I've given some thought to views of you, milo and others, and have done a revision, which I'll post next up in the OP. For you I've tried to reduce the drama a bit, and I hope it works out alright.

PS: the line with 'all of time' is just what I want. Maybe my cynicism isn't coming through clearly enough, but I really intend to mock this cliche.

PPS: In your suggestion about the 'poets' line, you put a comma in the middle of a foot. Is that alright? I hope so, cause I took it unmodified, although it gave me pause.

Mikey.

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I am sitting all by myself over here in the corner, hating the image of lust as rotting fruit. Perhaps i romanticize lust too much, but who can really imagine love without it? Perhaps I romanticize love too much, but it can be eternal, it can last. I flatly refuse to give up my belief in happy endings.
But as sonnets go, the words are correct and the syntax is admirable.

You're not cynical about lust, love and romance? I think that's probably a good thing. Myself, I've let them get the better of me a few times, and things did not work out well.

Oh, and I've put up a revision. I don't think it'll please you much better, especially as speaker calls everyone that disagrees with him a 'simpleton'. Understand that I don't take that view, and really like it when people find satisfying, long-lasting love and lust.

Speaker is just a bit of a twat, is all (and I am by extension? YES! Of course. )

Mikey.