Are You Not Great?

[billy]

hi,

ask yourself this; what do i want to say in a poem and how do i want to say it?

do you want it to be fresh and original, if so then the route you go with this poem is the wrong route.

do you want to hammer the point of something home, make it stand out and not become tedious? if so then you have to lose most of the poem as it stands.

it sounds bad but it isn't, and the best thing is, after a while you catch and cut out most cliche and redundancy on the fly as you write.

I don’t really care if you think I’m not great. this is a first line, make it count, 'really' isn't needed. you could write the same line as; You think i'm not great? I don't care. still a weak line to start with
I’m at least enough to win all your hate. think about it, what does this line mean? what do you mean by enough, 'at least isn't needed'
You’re spewing out words on deaf ears my friend. very cliche
Did you think I was someone you could offend? this line could be said with 30% fewer words


I have your attention, positive or not. no need for 'i have'
I do not think this is the ending you sought. this isn't the ending you sought
It appears that you care, more often than not,
that I am not someone who hangs on your thought

Sticks and stones often break my bones. a cliche to end cliche
I don’t intend on a cliche. this is cliche
But my steel sword of a heart is honed. this isn't cliche but it doesn't work well

Revision
I don’t care if I’m not that great. better but still weakSo miss Prima fucking Donna, I'm not that great
I’m at least enough to earn hate. Hating me is enough
You’re speaking to deaf ears, my friend. i can't hear you banshee
I’m not someone you can offend?

So miss Prima fucking Donna
I'm not Gandhi-great.
Hating me is enough,
the badmouthing leaves
my ears unaffected. not great i know but the idea is to say something that's been said countless times in a new way. try and rework some images into each stanza. i see someone mention meter. it also can help you formulate speech patterns. good effort wit the edit. it can be a tedious process but stick to it and you'll get there.


I’ve been heard, positive or not.
This is not the ending you sought.
And you care, more often than not,
That I don’t hang on the weak thoughts

Sticks and stones have broken my bones.
And so have overused cliches
My sword of a heart has been honed.
I find I'm not angry but gay.

Remember these words.
It’s what you deserve.
Keep my advice in your mind.

Don’t care about hate.
It just makes you great,
when you let it all be fine.