‘Eternal’, ‘love’, sneer!
#12
(03-21-2013, 02:18 PM)NakedBear Wrote:  Do not now speak to me of ‘love’, my dear.
A word that mutes a thousand more is not
to be condoned for use. At ‘love’ I sneer.
This lust will not forever last, but rot
like fruit, consumed and then expelled below.You mean shit?
So too our ‘love’? Is love for all of time?To or too? Either works but too may need commas.
All things, all beings must so waste, not grow.All things, and the love we had , to waste must go.
Our love will not affix “forever mine!"My love will not proclaim you're ever mine.
So shun this word. To poets leave it by,"So shun this word; to poets, let it lie, " (pun on lie)

so they can lie on meter while we see This last stanza is a runaway. You are looking to end your poem and are seeking out drama. Often, as Hitchcock knew, a cliff hanger works. The poignancy of ..."to poets, let it lie", I think, is enough. Your poem.
the truth between us now: these pleasures die,
lust born; with jealous fear and shame to be.
Define us as we are! As mortal want!
Enjoy! ‘Eternal’ pleasure is a taunt!

EDIT: I missed a line when typing this out. Thank you saeity for pointing that out.
....and not all that sings is a sonnet.
Best,
and well done,
tectak


This has had a good coat of looking at and I cannot contribute much more. It is a good effort. There some inconsistency of language, my dear. I don't know where this appendage comes from but it is much beloved of Indian (female) academics, who seem think that's how we all speak in blighty!Smile
As for the quotes around your theme words... just not "necessary". You may feel you need them to bring out "forever mine", for the sake of the "forced rhyme" with the cliched "...all of time"...but you "don't".
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Messages In This Thread
‘Eternal’, ‘love’, sneer! - by NakedBear - 03-21-2013, 02:18 PM
RE: ‘Eternal’, ‘love’, sneer! - by C.M.C. - 03-24-2013, 10:58 AM
RE: ‘Eternal’, ‘love’, sneer! - by saeity - 03-22-2013, 12:02 AM
RE: ‘Eternal’, ‘love’, sneer! - by C.M.C. - 03-23-2013, 03:05 PM
RE: ‘Eternal’, ‘love’, sneer! - by milo - 03-24-2013, 05:04 PM
RE: ‘Eternal’, ‘love’, sneer! - by tectak - 03-25-2013, 12:31 AM
RE: ‘Eternal’, ‘love’, sneer! - by tectak - 03-25-2013, 08:49 PM



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