‘Eternal’, ‘love’, sneer!

[NakedBear]

Hello Naked Bear! Nice to see a sonnet!

Do not now speak to me of ‘love’, my dear.

the voice is strangely archaic. I don't know if you are deliberately satirizing the romantics or not. If so, I would use more victorian language. If not, I would rephrase "do not now speak"

A word that mutes a thousand more is not
to be condoned for use. At ‘love’ I sneer.
This lust will not forever last, but rot
like fruit, consumed and then expelled below.

this is all pretty good. Theh voice is still Victorian, "expelled below" is interesting enough.

So too our ‘love’? Is love for all of time?
All things, all beings must so waste, not grow.

This line just doesn't really make sense in English. I don't know if it is the syntax or an inversion or what.


Our love will not affix “forever mine!"
So shun this word. To poets leave it by,

To poets leave it is inverted and by doesn't really add anything at all

so they can lie on meter while we see

hmm "lie /on/ meter"? Lie /with/ meter maybe?

the truth between us now: these pleasures die,
lust born; with jealous fear and shame to be.

"shame to be", again a syntactical oddity.

Define us as we are! As mortal want!
Enjoy! ‘Eternal’ pleasure is a taunt!

EDIT: I missed a line when typing this out. Thank you saeity for pointing that out.

All in all, a pleasant enough sonnet. There are a few rough spots where you let form force syntax and structure but I am sure you will have no problem in ironing those out during the redraft.

Thanks for sharing

milo

Hey milo,

It is a bit archaic in its language, although that was not consciously done. I'm thinking it's inexperience with the form, coupled with some lingering misconceptions about what makes a poem 'poemy' (new word- sorry ).

Over all, I've not yet learned to live within the confines of the sonnet, though I hope to do so in time. Right now I've almost finished my third sonnet and think it's suffering less of a romantic hangover.

Thanks for taking the time to comment. I will attempt to put everything right in the redraft.

Mikey.