03-24-2013, 08:00 AM
(03-23-2013, 09:47 PM)DoReMi Wrote: One quick comment - I like the kind of postmodern observational lack of judgment here, but I think calling the audience "shocked" kind of pulls you out of that. For the rest of the poem you're totally in the head of this observer, and for that line, in calling the audience shocked, you're either departing his head, to figure out what's in theirs, or he's making a judgment about the audience response. Neither really fits. So just that one word, which could be altered to something less emotive!You may be right. I was kind of embarrassed putting this up for people to criticise and am grateful for the comments. I kind of wish I'd put it in the serious critique forum for a real mauling (can the thread be moved?)