03-23-2013, 09:47 PM
One quick comment - I like the kind of postmodern observational lack of judgment here, but I think calling the audience "shocked" kind of pulls you out of that. For the rest of the poem you're totally in the head of this observer, and for that line, in calling the audience shocked, you're either departing his head, to figure out what's in theirs, or he's making a judgment about the audience response. Neither really fits. So just that one word, which could be altered to something less emotive!