03-23-2013, 03:05 PM
(03-21-2013, 02:18 PM)NakedBear Wrote: Do not now speak to me of ‘love’, my dear.I really like this poem! This is also my first critique so I hope I did well! As I said, Besides the things I listed I enjoyed it.
A word that mutes a thousand more is not
to be condoned for use. At ‘love’ I sneer. (I don't like how you split up the sentence. At first glance it's fine, and this may just be my OCD. But, when I look back on it, It bugs me.)
This lust will not forever last, but rot
like fruit, consumed and then expelled below. (It's the same thing with this line)
So too our ‘love’? Is love for all of time?
All things, all beings must so waste, not grow.
Our love will not affix “forever mine!"
So shun this word. To poets leave it by,
so they can lie on meter while we see
the truth between us now: these pleasures die,
lust born; with jealous fear and shame to be.
Define us as we are! As mortal want!
Enjoy! ‘Eternal’ pleasure is a taunt! [Looks like you threw that last line in there just to rhyme. Maybe put something like "Enjoy your 'eternal' pleasures I taunt." It has the same rhyme, but flows better. (plus I put "Eternal" to lowercase. I don't see a reason why its capitalized.)]
EDIT: I missed a line when typing this out. Thank you saeity for pointing that out.
"Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again." - C.S. Lewis

