Do you ever just feel crazy?

[rowens]

So many people are ashamed of so many things. They don't want anyone to see them, they take the pills and lay in bed all day. I used to try to get them to go out do stuff with me, and they lay in bed with the phone and sometimes criticize me to others when I'm not around, that I just can't rest, that I'm crazy. So I don't talk to them any more. People with those problems often deflect problems on other people. I just let them deflect on me, it doesn't bother me. I don't care if people think I'm crazy, or stupid, or ugly, or all the insults used against me to change the subject from what I'm trying to talk about. I don't think there's anything shameful about any of those things anyway, even if they were true. And I just don't see the point of wanting things because not having them is shameful or embarrassing. I like people, but the only people I've been deeply involved with nag and nag and nag. "The house isn't big enough, the job is depressing and exhausting, friends don't tell the truth, and on and on and on..." And that drives them to drugs, or rage and hatred for other people, and a few even tried to kill themselves. Parents, other family, friends, women, all the people I've been close to have been complaining about this as long as I can remember. I feel bad because people always expect me to feel ashamed or that I'm supposed to be a disgrace to my family. But I don't want to be like them. I often speak with their voice in my writings, and I find the Hell we put each other through worthwhile. I care about them, I care about lots of things in this world. But I'm not ashamed of anything. There's nothing shameful about being happy or sad or depressed or psychotic or successful or a failure; those things are just things you work with and through. There's nothing wrong with being manic and full of energy. There's nothing wrong with being annoying. My friends and my family annoy me so much that I don't want to be around them very much. But I love them. I put up with them. They don't want to put up with me, but I don't care.