nightshift

[milo]

bats fly around in the dark
moths hang around street light

cats on the prowl
dog barking in the yard

block of flats windows lit
cars sitting waiting outside

mobile makes a buzz
rain hitting bus stop

midnight bus arrives
seats empty of lives

be home soon
grab a bite to eat

close the blinds curtains
keep the darkness in
________

So there are some problems here, first and foremost is so much cinematic sceneplay without a cinematic screenplay IYKWIM. Leaving that aside:

read this line:

mobile makes a buzz
rain hitting bus stop

my natural tendency is to enjamb the line and wonder what buzz rain is? Line breaks aren't punctuation.


"seats of empty lives" is just too wrist-slashingly emo to really be taken seriously.

"cars sitting waiting" why sitting /and/ waiting?

I might consider a triolet like this:

Bats make blind curtains in the dark.
Moths loiter like street light performers,
cats warble Shakespeare in the park.
Bats make blind curtains. In the dark
We grab, we eat, we miss our mark
from empty seats to midnight swarmers.
Bats make blind curtains. In the dark
moths loiter like street light performers.

milo