In the Gloaming-Tear it to bits

[saeity]

In the Gloaming

As the yawning sun begins to sleep,
And dancing winds yield not a peep,

I look to gently waving grass at night,
And give a nod to the Earth’s soft might,

The soft machines in their mechanizations,
Arrive at golden realizations,

I look to the stars that are unborn yet,
And release the burden of hard regret,

In the gloaming, our Sol retires,
This tender night falls soft on spires,

So as bubbling streams glisten in the dark,
And the nightly blanket befalls this Park,

I feel the wondrous nip of chill,
I feel the warmth of human will,

My faith in my lovely fellow Man,
Never waivers, wherever we stand,

I elect next but to feel the wonder,
Of loving love and furied thunder,

The pitter patter of rain in fall,
It’s drumbeat painted loud and tall,

In the gloaming, my love endures,
Caught between the night and day,
The melody of a world at play,

I’d never have it another way.


Tear it bits, do whatever you please. It'll help me grow.

Hi joshuacan this is a real nice piece, I think you could really pare this down as there are a lot of excessive pronouns, hope you don't mind but I found it easier to just rewrite for you to take some ideas if wanted


In the Gloaming


A yawning sun begins it’s sleep
as dancing winds yield then to peep.

As gentle waving grass at night,
give silent nods to Earth’s soft might.

The soft machines, their mechanizations
arrive at golden realizations.

 Look to the stars that are unborn yet,
 release the burden of hard regret.

As in the gloaming, our Sol retires,
a tender night falls soft on spires.

Whilst bubbling streams glisten in the dark,
a nightly blanket befalls this Park.

The pitter patter of rain in fall
it’s drumbeat painted loud and tall.

In the gloaming, love endures,
Caught between the night and day,
The melody of a world at play.