03-21-2013, 10:28 PM
This is so life-affirming that I feel like it would be irreverent to critique it. I would almost rather just bask in the lovely love.
But, that is not what we do here, so...
as i read this, my inner voice was striving for a particular rhythm. Would you consider reworking the lines to have a more even syllable count? I love the lyrical sound that makes in my head, when the lines are similar in cadence.
Kind of like this:
In empyrean gloaming, Sol retires,
Tender evening softly falls on spires
...I realize that has my voice and I am not suggesting this as a rewrite, just using to of your lines to express my thoughts.
But, that is not what we do here, so...
as i read this, my inner voice was striving for a particular rhythm. Would you consider reworking the lines to have a more even syllable count? I love the lyrical sound that makes in my head, when the lines are similar in cadence.
Kind of like this:
In empyrean gloaming, Sol retires,
Tender evening softly falls on spires
...I realize that has my voice and I am not suggesting this as a rewrite, just using to of your lines to express my thoughts.