03-21-2013, 02:18 PM
2nd revision:
Love, eternal, sneer!
You should not talk of love to me, my dear.
A word that mutes a thousand more is not
to be condoned for use. At love I sneer.
This lust of ours won’t last that long, but rot
like fruit, consumed and then expelled below.
What of our love? Is love for all of time?
No. Time will lay all lovers low, and so
my love will not forever make you mine.
Now shun the word; to poets, let it lie,
who humor simple minds, while here we see
the truth between us now: these pleasures die.
But so it goes, sweet babe; stop blaming me.
Instead, define us right: as mortal want.
Enjoy! Eternal pleasure is a taunt!
1st revision:
Revisions are haaaarrrd.
I've tried to remove the archaic language, although I don't think I've quite gotten it all. Weird syntax should be less frequent, and the drama should be a bit reduced. I've left the very last line as it was, although it was seen as a bit forced. Oh, and I've changed the title a bit.
Revision:
Love, eternal, sneer!
You should not talk of love to me, my dear.
A word that mutes a thousand more is not
to be condoned for use. At love I sneer.
This lust of ours won’t last that long, but rot
like fruit, consumed and then expelled below.
What of our ‘love’? Is love for all of time?
No. Death or time will knock all lovers low.
My love will not forever make you mine.
So shun the word; to poets, let it lie,
to humor those simpletons while we see
the truth between us now: these pleasures die.
But so it goes, honey. Stop blaming me.
Instead, define us right: as mortal want.
Enjoy! ‘Eternal’ pleasure is a taunt!
Original:
Do not now speak to me of ‘love’, my dear.
A word that mutes a thousand more is not
to be condoned for use. At ‘love’ I sneer.
This lust will not forever last, but rot
like fruit, consumed and then expelled below.
So too our ‘love’? Is love for all of time?
All things, all beings must so waste, not grow.
Our love will not affix “forever mine!"
So shun this word. To poets leave it by,
so they can lie on meter while we see
the truth between us now: these pleasures die,
lust born; with jealous fear and shame to be.
Define us as we are! As mortal want!
Enjoy! ‘Eternal’ pleasure is a taunt!
EDIT: I missed a line when typing this out. Thank you saeity for pointing that out.
Love, eternal, sneer!
You should not talk of love to me, my dear.
A word that mutes a thousand more is not
to be condoned for use. At love I sneer.
This lust of ours won’t last that long, but rot
like fruit, consumed and then expelled below.
What of our love? Is love for all of time?
No. Time will lay all lovers low, and so
my love will not forever make you mine.
Now shun the word; to poets, let it lie,
who humor simple minds, while here we see
the truth between us now: these pleasures die.
But so it goes, sweet babe; stop blaming me.
Instead, define us right: as mortal want.
Enjoy! Eternal pleasure is a taunt!
1st revision:
Revisions are haaaarrrd.
I've tried to remove the archaic language, although I don't think I've quite gotten it all. Weird syntax should be less frequent, and the drama should be a bit reduced. I've left the very last line as it was, although it was seen as a bit forced. Oh, and I've changed the title a bit.
Revision:
Love, eternal, sneer!
You should not talk of love to me, my dear.
A word that mutes a thousand more is not
to be condoned for use. At love I sneer.
This lust of ours won’t last that long, but rot
like fruit, consumed and then expelled below.
What of our ‘love’? Is love for all of time?
No. Death or time will knock all lovers low.
My love will not forever make you mine.
So shun the word; to poets, let it lie,
to humor those simpletons while we see
the truth between us now: these pleasures die.
But so it goes, honey. Stop blaming me.
Instead, define us right: as mortal want.
Enjoy! ‘Eternal’ pleasure is a taunt!
Original:
Do not now speak to me of ‘love’, my dear.
A word that mutes a thousand more is not
to be condoned for use. At ‘love’ I sneer.
This lust will not forever last, but rot
like fruit, consumed and then expelled below.
So too our ‘love’? Is love for all of time?
All things, all beings must so waste, not grow.
Our love will not affix “forever mine!"
So shun this word. To poets leave it by,
so they can lie on meter while we see
the truth between us now: these pleasures die,
lust born; with jealous fear and shame to be.
Define us as we are! As mortal want!
Enjoy! ‘Eternal’ pleasure is a taunt!
EDIT: I missed a line when typing this out. Thank you saeity for pointing that out.