Oblivion

[joshuacan]

Oblivion

Twilight eclipsed day like raven wing-
Night crept over me like damp decay,
Setting free the shadow at my heel
To embrace its source, a danse macabre
In miniature, which I followed down
Into the brink of deep unconsciousness.

Inside the flannel bars of child-fright cage,
My dreams did sing, like stray cats, each to each;
Birds outside argued the case against
Me, while within I paled and pled my own
On bony knees— I fought the noose of night
‘Til the end, my body came swinging down.

Now in the dark as vast as space and time,
In fetal pose I tremble in my sleep.

The line "Into the brink of deep unconsciousness" is absolute perfection. It is subtle, brilliant, and quite frankly, quotable. The line also sets up and flows into the next paragraph very well.

It has a stream-of-consciousness feel, but to me it lacks a line that ties it together near the end. The ending is feeble and unassuming. It is a letdown. The second to last line is boring and unimaginative; it needs to be a deeper and more chilling exploration of the darkness.