Oblivion

[rayheinrich]

Not gonna touch any meaning-stuff here;
just gonna criticize your iam-5 mechanics
by example:

As twilight's raven wing eclipsed the day
And night crept over me like damp decay,
It freed the shadow fastened to my heel
Let it embrace its source, a danse macabre
The miniature of which I followed down
Into the brink of deep unconsciousness.

Inside the flannel bars of child-fright cage,
My dreams did sing, like stray cats, each to each;
The birds outside they argued 'gainst my case
While here within I paled and pled my own
On bony knees I fought the noose of night
‘Til in the end, my body did swing down.

Now in the dark as vast as space and time,
In fetal pose I tremble in my sleep.


P.S. Raven wings and "pled"'s (which I love BTW)
cry out for capitalized 1st characters. Show some
mercy: those lines gonna get mighty cold without
their caps.