03-21-2013, 06:42 AM
Hi,
I keep coming back to this one to have another read. I really enjoy the strong story and image lines you have here and the flow / progression of these to take me through the dark watches of the night.
I Have to say that I would second Tectak in his comments about punctuation and in particular I do not like the capital letter at the start of every line, for me it will always spoil the flow of the read as I then need to search out the natural or proper punctuation points and this takes my eye away from the word choice. (I know I am a fine one to talk - my punctuation often leaves a lot to be desired, but knowing how much you cherish your word choices from your other thread comments, I wanted to put this thought out there for you to think on - I feel that the punctuation should be like the support act to the main star of the show, which should always be the individual words and the connections between these to make a cohesive whole...hope this makes some sort of sense
).
Oblivion
Twilight eclipsed day like raven wing- Not sure the raven wing is working for me as an image by itself. Perhaps need to inject some other adjective here to modify the action of the wing. OR..Just an idea : Daylight succumbed to twilight in the beat of a ravens' wing ...as an image idea not the line structure.
Night crept over me like damp decay, love this line
Setting free the shadow at my heel and again like this
To embrace its source, a danse macabre ? full stop after source. Love dance of death in minature
In miniature, which I followed down
Into the brink of deep unconsciousness. nice. I like the simplicity of this
Inside the flannel bars of child-fright cage,
My dreams did sing, like stray cats, each to each; ? dreams did sing...Tec is right. Yoda speak here! But like the image.
Birds outside argued the case against
Me, while within I paled and pled my own
On bony knees— I fought the noose of night
‘Til the end, my body came swinging down. Really nice phrasing and images the birds being outside offer a great contrast to the inner fright and fight. also I get a sense of reality breaking into the dream. (Morning is comming)
Now in the dark as vast as space and time, I disagree with tec here. I think these lines or at least the thought progression should stay. I think they are a good closing image, but perhaps the second last line is a bit tired in word choice so maybe consider reworking this.
In fetal pose I tremble in my sleep. I like this line.
Thanks for the read. I enjoyed this very much.
as ever any thoughts or suggestions are just opinion...take only what is helpful.
All the best AJ.
I keep coming back to this one to have another read. I really enjoy the strong story and image lines you have here and the flow / progression of these to take me through the dark watches of the night.
I Have to say that I would second Tectak in his comments about punctuation and in particular I do not like the capital letter at the start of every line, for me it will always spoil the flow of the read as I then need to search out the natural or proper punctuation points and this takes my eye away from the word choice. (I know I am a fine one to talk - my punctuation often leaves a lot to be desired, but knowing how much you cherish your word choices from your other thread comments, I wanted to put this thought out there for you to think on - I feel that the punctuation should be like the support act to the main star of the show, which should always be the individual words and the connections between these to make a cohesive whole...hope this makes some sort of sense
).Oblivion
Twilight eclipsed day like raven wing- Not sure the raven wing is working for me as an image by itself. Perhaps need to inject some other adjective here to modify the action of the wing. OR..Just an idea : Daylight succumbed to twilight in the beat of a ravens' wing ...as an image idea not the line structure.
Night crept over me like damp decay, love this line
Setting free the shadow at my heel and again like this
To embrace its source, a danse macabre ? full stop after source. Love dance of death in minature
In miniature, which I followed down
Into the brink of deep unconsciousness. nice. I like the simplicity of this
Inside the flannel bars of child-fright cage,
My dreams did sing, like stray cats, each to each; ? dreams did sing...Tec is right. Yoda speak here! But like the image.
Birds outside argued the case against
Me, while within I paled and pled my own
On bony knees— I fought the noose of night
‘Til the end, my body came swinging down. Really nice phrasing and images the birds being outside offer a great contrast to the inner fright and fight. also I get a sense of reality breaking into the dream. (Morning is comming)
Now in the dark as vast as space and time, I disagree with tec here. I think these lines or at least the thought progression should stay. I think they are a good closing image, but perhaps the second last line is a bit tired in word choice so maybe consider reworking this.
In fetal pose I tremble in my sleep. I like this line.
Thanks for the read. I enjoyed this very much.
as ever any thoughts or suggestions are just opinion...take only what is helpful.
All the best AJ.