Oblivion

[tectak]

Oblivion

Twilight eclipsed day like raven wing-there is something holistically cliched here. I can't put my finger on it but the whole line exudes familiar metaphor. Enough. That last hyphen does nothing except erroneously elide wing-night. It really ought to be a full-stop.
Night crept over me like damp decay,The over reliance upon commas is reaching epidemic proportions Opinion here. Semi-colon after decay, avoid the capitalising of each line. It is a bit old-hat. Things DO change.
Setting free the shadow at my heel
To embrace its source, a danse macabre
In miniature, which I followed down
Into the brink of deep unconsciousness.The brink of anything is thin. To thin to go in to. You can "reach" it though. How about " to the brink..."

In this stanza, your need to dash comes into play.
to embrace its source-a danse macabre
in miniature- which I followed down
to the brink of deep unconsciousness.


Inside the flannel bars of child-fright cage,Though I don't claim to understand this, the lack of any "article" before "child-fright cage" makes me think I should. Is this "child-fright cage" so well known as an expression that it can be used like "prison"? Help.
My dreams did sing, like stray cats, each to each;Yoda -speak. Sing your dreams did...or sang? Short of a beat? "sang out".
Birds outside argued the case against
Me, while within I paled and pled my ownI would normally howl obsolete to "pled" BUT I think you have thought this one through. Once you put "on bony knees" you are bang on. "pled" is out of use but still hangs on in the legal profession AND when you are right down on your bony knees. I like it.
On bony knees— I fought the noose of night...but there goes another dash. You are in trouble here. You need to strongly split the kneeling from the swinging. The dash is just not strong enough. You are on your knees fighting the noose of night then you are hoist high and swinging down. It is all a bit hurried. Get a bloody great full-stop after knees then add a little more to explain the posture shift.
‘Til the end, my body came swinging down.

Now in the dark as vast as space and time,
In fetal pose I tremble in my sleep.Not sure this last adds anything...in fact, it is puzzling. I could not sleep, trembling or otherwise. "as vast as space and time " is cliched and for that reason alone you could ditch these two lines.

An old theme, but not one which that gets any less interesting because everyone has dissimilar dark thoughts on the dream of death, or after death, experience. Towards the end, you added the the piquancy of the gallows to this; there have been several stories ( A Hanging, by George Orwell, comes to mind) and verses written on the subject. I did, however, enjoy the mental transportation to the "outside" world...birdsong particularly..and empathised. I noted that few birds sing in the dark, so this was apposite and reinforced the fear of the dark.
Best,
tectak