Simon in the Land of Chalk Outlines

[milo]

Hi Tom,

Where I ran into issues with this was the L2 refrain, for those familiar with the show L2 is the exact refrain--all 7 annoying syllables of it. I wasn't trying for perfect IT because I was trying to maintain the original lyric. The because that Milo suggested isn't a bad compromise and it would allow me to smooth lines out. That alone will probably fix some of the issues. I'll play around with it.

Which brings us to the it. I understand and sympathize with your point. The it provides me versatility as the context provides a different meaning each time accept as you've seen in line 1. There's no context in the beginning. I'm open to alternatives that allow a similar versatility. Again I'll give "it" some thought.

Best,

Todd

Just watched the intro to the show. A compromise (and possibly an even more fitting suggestion might be to try ballad meter or "common" meter. It tends to suggest storybook or lyrical tunes. It alternates between tetrameter and trimeter. If you would indulge me one more time:

The Lines would shiver when it grew 4
The sky, so cold the world sublime 4
the things I draw come true. 3
One time, I sketched a girl I knew, 4
her hands were silk with mime. 3
Lines would shiver when it grew. 4
The hours till I withdrew 3
There was no ladder left to climb 4
The things I draw come true. 3
I started one, then she made two. 4
A town of chalk and grime. 3
The lines would shiver when it grew. 4
A god demands his due 3
amidst the chants, the bells that chime 4
The things I draw come true. 3
So, on this slate, I start anew 4
erase the past; my crime. 3
The lines would shiver when it grew, 4
the things I draw come true. 3

Now of course, once again, I wouldn't say make these specific substitutions, I just made them to quickly display what the /flow/ of the poem would be like as ballad meter. I actually like the flow but it does bring to surface the end-stopping so if you were to rewrite it as ballad, maybe a little more enjambment.

Either way, thank you for the chance to have this discussion.

milo