Simon in the Land of Chalk Outlines

[tectak]

Lines would shiver when it grew.
The sky so cold, the world sublime
for the things I draw come true.
Once, I sketched a girl I knew,
whose hands were silk within our mime.
Lines would shiver when it grew.
Hours passed till I withdrew.
There was no ladder left to climb
for the things I draw come true.
I made one, then she made two.
A village rose of chalk and grime.
Lines would shiver when it grew.
A callow god with worship due
amidst the chants, the bells that chime
for the things I draw come true.
So, on this slate, I start anew
erasing details of my crime.
Lines would shiver when it grew,
for the things I draw come true.



*Based on Simon in the Land of Chalk Drawings

Slight Edit: Leanne suggested a smooth fix for L16-17.

Hi Todd

I run into problems reading this metrically due to the inconsistent switch between starting with an iamb or a trochee. To show what I mean, I have "padded" this to perfect iambic tetrameter. This is not to say this is a good idea, just some filler to show what syllables would be needed to achieve perfect meter:

(The) Lines would shiver when it grew.
The sky so cold, the world sublime
(because) the things I draw come true.
(One time), I sketched a girl I knew,
whose hands were silk within our mime.
(The) Lines would shiver when it grew.
(The) Hours (that) passed till I withdrew.
There was no ladder left to climb
(Because) the things I draw come true.
I (started) one, then she made two.
A village rose of chalk and grime.
(The) Lines would shiver when it grew.
A callow god with worship due (an inversion here - just pointing it out)
amidst the chants, the bells that chime
(because) the things I draw come true.
So, on this slate, I start anew
erasing details of my crime.
(The) Lines would shiver when it grew,
(because) the things I draw come true.

Like I said, not suggested "improvement" per se, just a note where you could add syllables if you wanted to achieve iambic tetrameter smoothly. If you did go that direction, you could replace my "padded" syllables with better choices.

Thanks for sharing, an interesting read.

milo

Hi todd,
Again, the concept king.
I am entirely with milo on this. To generate the meter you are finding "natural" to the piece, you should give it all respect. Milo is suggesting "inserts" to keep things smooth. That is what you must do. Graciously, he points out that the "padding" words are but suggestions...though a quick reading, out loud, will indicate clearly that far from making the piece bulky, the insertions cut the wind resistance down to such a degree that the concept flies through the air in an almost frictionless fashion.
My only "other" nit is the "it" device. L1 has one and this is your refrain. The unrelated "it" is one of my pet hates...but avoidance can be taxing. Your poem.
Best,
tectak