03-19-2013, 08:41 AM
(03-19-2013, 02:02 AM)shemthepenman Wrote: oh, this is a great revision!Thanks, Shem!
(03-19-2013, 01:45 AM)Todd Wrote: No, it doesn't suck. The more specific word choices help. It feels tighter. Only suggestion I have:Hi Todd, thanks so much for stopping here once more. I like "vain keepsakes." Will be back to put that in place.
L7: optionally pare the line to "vain keepsakes."
That's all I've got at the moment.
Best,
Todd
(03-16-2013, 03:30 AM)Heartafire Wrote: I have made some revisions. Do they suck :-)?
Revision
Grey skies drip rain
onto dead flowers,
resurrecting them
day after day.
Submerged petals
soaked in sorrow-
keepsakes tended in vain.
A broken-winged sparrow
swooped up by the wind
will never sing again.
Original
Skies drip rain into
vases of sorrow,
resurrecting dead
flowers day after day.
A broken-winged bird
swooped up by the wind
will not sing again.
best!
Heart