03-19-2013, 04:31 AM
This show makes for a great bit of allegory.
Meter-wise, I find a bit of a bump here:
On this slate, I begin anew
to erase details of my crime
My suggestion would be:
(so) on this slate, I start anew,
erasing details of my crime
This just helps the rhymes to fall more naturally without rushing any words or altering pronunciation. It's not about syllable count -- this is more suited to accentual meter, to keep the four strong beats per line.
(I don't mean to be rude, but "hours passed till I withdrew" could sound a bit like bragging
)
Meter-wise, I find a bit of a bump here:
On this slate, I begin anew
to erase details of my crime
My suggestion would be:
(so) on this slate, I start anew,
erasing details of my crime
This just helps the rhymes to fall more naturally without rushing any words or altering pronunciation. It's not about syllable count -- this is more suited to accentual meter, to keep the four strong beats per line.
(I don't mean to be rude, but "hours passed till I withdrew" could sound a bit like bragging
)
It could be worse