03-18-2013, 03:26 AM
hi Tommy,
I have to admit I thought this piece a bit banal at first, but as I reread it grew on me, you have some thought-provoking ideas in it. your edit certainly flows better but the third line should be split in two beginning at "into"
"What did I do that an effect
On the ribbon of time
Stretching into what’s next?" <-- my favorite part. though I might suggest "stretched"
in general, some of the lines seem to be there just for the sake of the rhyme, "facing with dread" for example (which grammatically doesn't even work. "facing our dread" or "faced with dread" would work better)
just my two cents. with a bit of work and maybe some trimming it could be quite nice. =]
I have to admit I thought this piece a bit banal at first, but as I reread it grew on me, you have some thought-provoking ideas in it. your edit certainly flows better but the third line should be split in two beginning at "into"
"What did I do that an effect
On the ribbon of time
Stretching into what’s next?" <-- my favorite part. though I might suggest "stretched"
in general, some of the lines seem to be there just for the sake of the rhyme, "facing with dread" for example (which grammatically doesn't even work. "facing our dread" or "faced with dread" would work better)
just my two cents. with a bit of work and maybe some trimming it could be quite nice. =]
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The howling beast is back.
The howling beast is back.