Counter Point

[tectak]

Puma

Ranks broken,
the deciduous force fails
in the face of marching evergreens,
while the stream that cowers at their feet ...that cowers underfoot. You will see why this is suggested below
will serve victor and loser alike.
Yet the stream too is sure to die, not sure you need "too" but if you do you need commas, two.
though at the hands of the sun,though by the hot hand of the sun?
not by strangling root. thirsting/sucking/drawing root? Strangling seems odd. May be me
And as rabbits are eaten by crueller things No need for "And"
I’m eaten from within by hungry Age,
and will soon lie still
at conquering coniferous root. See end note

Holy cadwallader...a poem!
Bloody great edit...have you just eaten something?

I ate a boot to the teeth, and spat out a poem. An unexpected turn.

Just one more nit...last line." beside the cold conqueror's feet" is enough. Enough is always just right. More than enough is too much...but you did have two roots. I just thought hot hand of sun and cold feet of tree went well. Your poem.
Best,
See, it no suck!
tectak

No suck! I'm relieved, I admit.

I've kept the 'too'. I've also kept the 'strangling' because I see a root as something that kills by strangling. Admitedly I don't see roots strangling streams, so much, but then again this poem doesn't need them to. L4 remains the same, but I see how you were aiming to fix the double 'root', and so derived my solution from that. The last line takes the 'cold' in addition to a few other changes.

So, here's the current version. Thoughts?


Puma

Ranks broken,
the deciduous force fails
in the face of marching evergreens,
while the stream that cowers at their feet
will serve victor and loser alike.
Yet the stream, too, is sure to die,
though at the hot hand of the sun,
not by strangling root.not by the strangling root
As rabbits are eaten by crueller things As the rabbit is eaten by crueller things...to keep the comparison balanced. "The rabbit" is acceptably generic
I’m eaten from within by hungry Age,
and will soon lie still
at a cold conqueror's foot.

I'm really glad you gave me an honest critique, by the way.

Thanks.

Mikey.

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Thank you everyone who took the time to post feedback so far. The more opinions I can get, the better.

Mikey.

It is excellent.
Footnote: You foot solution works well.
Best,
tectak