03-17-2013, 05:11 PM
Your rewrite after considering the comments above (which were precise and kind at the same time) is excellent and shows an open mind and flexible skill.
It is tricky to use a series of questions and still hold a commanding interest. As this is essential to your narrative, i can only suggest using a sort of enjambment of punctuation ( LOL) and omit some of the question marks. These make the reader stop and the stanza becomes quite staccato.
It is tricky to use a series of questions and still hold a commanding interest. As this is essential to your narrative, i can only suggest using a sort of enjambment of punctuation ( LOL) and omit some of the question marks. These make the reader stop and the stanza becomes quite staccato.