03-16-2013, 08:12 PM
Hi Holly,
I like that you took ideas that are associated with romantic love and turned them on themselves. We have the first images showing a methodical sadness. I didn't have any real issues with the progression, but I did think of one option for you. The key images for the relationship are the flowers that perk up again and again only to keep wilting in false hope day after day and the bird that appears to be flying but is simply carried along by the passion or drama of it all. You might consider cutting sorrow all together because the rain and the flowers evoke a sort of sadness on their own. Here's the progression I was thinking of (I'll leave the line breaks to you): Skies drip rain into vases of dead flowers resurrecting them day after day.
It's just a thought. I enjoyed where you're going with this.
Best,
Todd
I like that you took ideas that are associated with romantic love and turned them on themselves. We have the first images showing a methodical sadness. I didn't have any real issues with the progression, but I did think of one option for you. The key images for the relationship are the flowers that perk up again and again only to keep wilting in false hope day after day and the bird that appears to be flying but is simply carried along by the passion or drama of it all. You might consider cutting sorrow all together because the rain and the flowers evoke a sort of sadness on their own. Here's the progression I was thinking of (I'll leave the line breaks to you): Skies drip rain into vases of dead flowers resurrecting them day after day.
It's just a thought. I enjoyed where you're going with this.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson