03-16-2013, 05:29 AM
Thank you to everyone who commented and offered advise - much appreciated.
@ Tectak. I'm not sure i can lay down the rigor mortised, but as yet i can't find anything to work with to replace this.
I do hear what you are saying about the syntax of the "It" line, but again I'm trapped in this particular idea of an image and it might take me a while to re-order my thoughts before I can stop being stubborn and make a change here. I did originally have "which" instead of it, but I wanted the hair to have a sort of semi identity and potential life of it's own...was thinking at the time of what the opposite of Song of songs 4:1 - Your hair is like a flock of goats descending down mount Gilead - would look like. (I have a picture of 70's hair, rigid under a mantle of hair spray designed to maintain and control that perfect placement of every follicle...Which is my chosen opposite for the river like flow of bouncing energy and life filled fun that I picture as the movment of the goats. I decided that the 70's hair image was a strong enough to carry the set and bored stiff association...and decided to go with the "IT"...but it obviously doesn't comunicate as well in the poem as it did in my mind so I will retire to think this over some more).
Appreciate the input AJ.
@ Tectak. I'm not sure i can lay down the rigor mortised, but as yet i can't find anything to work with to replace this.
I do hear what you are saying about the syntax of the "It" line, but again I'm trapped in this particular idea of an image and it might take me a while to re-order my thoughts before I can stop being stubborn and make a change here. I did originally have "which" instead of it, but I wanted the hair to have a sort of semi identity and potential life of it's own...was thinking at the time of what the opposite of Song of songs 4:1 - Your hair is like a flock of goats descending down mount Gilead - would look like. (I have a picture of 70's hair, rigid under a mantle of hair spray designed to maintain and control that perfect placement of every follicle...Which is my chosen opposite for the river like flow of bouncing energy and life filled fun that I picture as the movment of the goats. I decided that the 70's hair image was a strong enough to carry the set and bored stiff association...and decided to go with the "IT"...but it obviously doesn't comunicate as well in the poem as it did in my mind so I will retire to think this over some more).
Appreciate the input AJ.