03-16-2013, 03:30 AM
I have made some revisions. Do they suck :-)?
Revision 2
Grey skies drip rain
onto dead flowers,
resurrecting them
day after day.
Submerged petals
soaked in sorrow-
vain keepsakes.
A broken-winged sparrow
swooped up by the wind
will never sing again.
Revision 1
Grey skies drip rain
onto dead flowers,
resurrecting them
day after day.
Submerged petals
soaked in sorrow-
keepsakes tended in vain.
A broken-winged sparrow
swooped up by the wind
will never sing again.
Original
Skies drip rain into
vases of sorrow,
resurrecting dead
flowers day after day.
A broken-winged bird
swooped up by the wind
will not sing again.
Revision 2
Grey skies drip rain
onto dead flowers,
resurrecting them
day after day.
Submerged petals
soaked in sorrow-
vain keepsakes.
A broken-winged sparrow
swooped up by the wind
will never sing again.
Revision 1
Grey skies drip rain
onto dead flowers,
resurrecting them
day after day.
Submerged petals
soaked in sorrow-
keepsakes tended in vain.
A broken-winged sparrow
swooped up by the wind
will never sing again.
Original
Skies drip rain into
vases of sorrow,
resurrecting dead
flowers day after day.
A broken-winged bird
swooped up by the wind
will not sing again.