Dead before death. (Edit 2)

[tectak]

Edit 1

Dead before death.

Captured early by the ravages of time.
Spiky and stubborn in her composure.
Mortally wounded. Fatally flawed.
She can not enjoy the simple things. The wind
blowing through her hair…it, set and bored stiff,
yet resistant to all movement and change.

She crystallised; entombed within,
embalmed in over salted brine, in which nothing
can grow or thrive. Laid out in firm resolution
awaiting death, embracing every morbid, rigor mortised
reduction. Until life is brought down to the lowest,
gravest spec of dust. Six feet of cold empty excavation.

She wears her death well,
a cherished shroud upon her breast,
An ill borne blossom out of season, she refuses to thrive.
A fruitlet that falls for no reason.

She died too young.




Original post
Tectak inspired me - he did a set rhymed poem, which he doesn't enjoy or get into normally, so I've tried one without a formal stucture or rhyme. I find this v hard, but determined to work this out. (This is another "new prompt" poem. Inspiration taken from Christina Rossetti sonnet of same title).

Dead before death.

Captured early by the ravages of time.
Spiky and stubborn in her composure.
Mortally wounded. Fatally flawed.
She could not enjoy the simple things. The wind
blowing through her hair…it, set and bored stiff,
yet, resistant to all movement and change.

She crystallised, entombed within,
embalmed in over salted brine, in which, nothing
could grow or thrive. Laid out in firm resolution
awaiting death, embracing every morbid, rigor mortised,
reduction. Until life was brought down to the lowest,
gravest spec of dust. Six feet of cold empty excavation.

She wore her death well,
a cherished shroud upon her breast,
A blossom borne out of season, she refused to thrive.
A fruitlet that falls for no reason.

She died too young.

Hi cider,
I see you made small concession to this pedant...good for you! This is the spirit of the poet and critic on this site, working together in a slick operation...I am even going to lay down on "rigor mortised", though it hurts
I would only take strong issue, though you can strongly ignore me, on the clumsy (but I believe considered by you to be acceptably quirky) sentence :
The wind blowing through her hair…it, set and bored stiff,
yet resistant to all movement and change.

I know what you are trying to do here, but the syntax just does not permit it. Here is an example of what, I think, you are aiming for:

"They leaned into the spray. He...tall, lithe and muscular; she...glowing in the sun, her hair streaming in the crystal glitter wind."
Do you see? The structure beginning with "...it, set and bored stiff" should be the intro to a comparison or attribute list, as in "He (description);she (description)."
You have used the "it" word defensively. You want the reader to be in no doubt that that you are going to describe "hair" (set and bored stiff) and not "The wind..."(set and bored stiff). Defensive, because you do not want old gits like me telling you that "...set and bored stiff" is not linked to "hair" strongly enough. It has not worked. The device you almost used has very limited application, and I cannot think of any other useage than in the comparative or attribute-listing structure I exemplified.
As I said at the start, you are using crit in an exemplary fashion...I applaud you. Take what is best and ignore the rest (inc. tectak)
Best,
tectak