03-15-2013, 05:43 AM
Good edit. My initial read gave me two simple suggestions:
Cut "our guts"
Keep with your established rhythm, it will be stronger.
I'm not a fan of the for eternity as your close. It could just be me but I'd pull that up to end the previous line and I'd pull the regret line down to close the poem. In that arrangement you should probably cut the and from the front of it.
Really are just thoughts to consider though.
Best,
Todd
Cut "our guts"
Keep with your established rhythm, it will be stronger.
I'm not a fan of the for eternity as your close. It could just be me but I'd pull that up to end the previous line and I'd pull the regret line down to close the poem. In that arrangement you should probably cut the and from the front of it.
Really are just thoughts to consider though.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson